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For series five of Being Human we are promised a villain worse than any we have seen before.  That got me thinking about evil (for a change) and whether any of the BH baddies to date have been truly evil.  They all had their moments but just how would we decide who was the evil-est of all?  A magic mirror is of little use for most of this lot!

Having given this, oh, at least five minutes of deep and serious thought I think it’s high time we added a new Olympic event.  Stand by for the award of the inaugural awarding of the medals in the Being Human Ultimate Evil Stakes.  (Perhaps a slightly unfortunate choice of word there!)

If you’d like to gather round the podium, any time this week would be good.

It’s a lovely podium, rising out of the ashes of Stokers and there’s even bunting – although I’ve never seen bunting with nipple on it before.  We’re not able to televise the ceremony; we’re having problems getting the competitors in focus which is a shame.  They look very cute in their gym kit and plimsolls.

Anyway, here are the results in the oh-so-traditional reverse order.

In last place is the lovely Professor Lucy Jaggat who has an unusual emblem on the back of her running kit.  Looks just like a…  Ahem.  Anyway.  She warmed up well but she never really got off the starting blocks.  She couldn’t decide which way to go.

In lucky seventh place strolls Edgar Wyndam.  He never had the chance to get going but you’d think he’d have learned a trick or two by now.  I rather suspect he was saving his energies for the crucifixion repechage.

In a very creditable sixth place was Mr Snow, despite suggestions he may be better qualified for the veteran’s event.  Not sure what happened to the official that made that point, he hasn’t been seen for a while.  To be honest, Mr Snow didn’t compete himself but sent Milo to run for him.  Luckily the event wasn’t held on the full moon but in the event all that leather slowed him down.  Not to mention causing some dreadful chafing…  That’s what you get for forgetting your kit, next time he’ll have to run in his pants.

Coming in fifth and might have done better if he hadn’t kept changing direction (or stopping for a fag) is Mitchell, sadly not living up to his reputation.  There’s been a grand PR job by his management but the delivery when it comes to the crunch (or munch) doesn’t back it up.  Maybe the puppy dog eyes and the quivering lip are slowing him down?  Maybe he needs a hairgrip?  Mitchell qualified for the final on the benefit of the doubt system but frankly should have been disqualified for the state of his kit.

The cruellest place of all, just outside the medals, and Hal gets fourth.  Lots of promise here but as yet unproven and perhaps if he hadn’t stopped to line up the javelins and sort the sandpit into order of size of grain he might have won.  Maybe next time we’ll see what he’s really made of.  He does get the turn out prize for his impeccably ironed togs but he should leave the comedy moustache behind next time.  It did terrible things to his wind resistance… and stopping to give people phone numbers did slow him down.

It was unfortunate to see a certain amount of barging and jockeying for position among the third and fourth placed competitors but Cutler just eased ahead to claim the bronze medal, although I understand he’s having it melted down and made into a statuette.  Sometimes what counts is how much you want it and he had the determination and absolute lack of doubt that he was on the right track.  He was literally on fire over the last few meters…

In second place, silver medal winner and let’s have a warm hand for Herrick.  He so nearly ran away with it and if he hadn’t stopped to try and encourage Mitchell when he got distracted by a new toy he would have romped home.  Interesting choice of strip though – who’d have known that he could move so fast in those slippers?

The gold goes to an outsider, the odds were long and I hope you had a decent amount of money on this one!  The previously Reverend Kemp left all in his evil wake.  With a level of dedication to his cause that no one else could surpass he never wavered, never doubted and never stopped.  His training facility was unsurpassed and produced some quite explosive results.

As with so many other things it all comes down to timing and – let’s face it – Kemp always knew the end was nigh…