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“The Graveyard Shift” had what may be the weirdest sex scene on TV for a while when Regus ‘borrowed’ Annie’s memories of her first time in a way that I don’t think either of them were expecting.  And a way that I suspect he’ll not be too keen to repeat!  (Do I hear you say it serves him right?)

In the way these things do, it got me thinking about other sex scenes in Being Human and for a show about vampires, usually admitted to be on the sexy side of supernatural, there haven’t really been that many. (BTW – before anyone comments I know this isn’t a complete list – just a few tasters!)

You’d think Mitchell got more than his share but although he did score highest most encounters did not end well.  Lauren was bitten and reluctantly recruited in the pilot and Sadie from Ritzy’s was nearly supper, only saved by Annie hanging on for the ride.  Now that was weird too – maybe it was Annie and Regus that were made for each other, not Michaela.  Mitchell did manage to have (relatively) normal sex with Josie, albeit after he’d tied her to a bookcase and was supposed to have killed her and for a brief moment it seems that he might manage the same with Lucy.  Well, he did but she had other ideas – you’d think those finely tuned vampire senses might have noticed they were being poked in the nipple by a church pew stake, wouldn’t you?

When Mitchell was clean, off blood,  it seemed that his allure faded somewhat – his initial attempts to chat up Lucy were just – well, very George!  Maybe it’s all about hunting; the urge for blood gives a level of charm that brings the vampires willing victims.  It makes perfect sense as Hal tells Tom he doesn’t do ‘chatting up’ – if he’s been clean for 55 years he’s presumably been celibate as well.  Hmm, all those pent-up urges!

Pent up urges were the least of Mitchell’s problems with Daisy!  After they had indulged in some meals on wheels in the Box Tunnel they revelled in each other and a liberal coating of blood.  It seems that vampires have no real issues with having sex with each other, it’s just those tasty humans that cause them to fancy a nip as well as a… (insert your own joke).  I am glad I didn’t have to wash the sheets.  Or clean up the hotel bathroom after Mitchell and Lauren had some bloody playtime.  Vamp sex seems to be dirty in pretty much all the ways you can think of!

Mitchell’s attempts at a proper relationship with Annie were a non starter – she is non-corporeal after all, and stuck in her leggings and ugg boots.  Even her sex list (written in multicoloured pen) didn’t help and her attempts at talking dirty were way more terrifying than Mitchell had ever managed to be!

Annie’s only other relationships were non starters – Saul wined and dined her, well took her to the pictures and offered her olives and stuff before lunging – and then trying to drag her to hell.  Landlord Hugh’s sweetly unexpressed passion was thwarted by Annie becoming invisible again and she made sure he reconciled with ex Kirsty, wanting to see him happy.

After Lauren was made a vampire and then abandoned by Mitchell she was used by Herrick to try to tempt him back into the fold. Part of the plan was a DVD, posted through the letterbox of the Pink House.  It was a vampire snuff film, a human having sex with an invisible (on film) Lauren and then being killed by her.  I can’t help wondering just how his agent proposed this to the unnamed brown-duvet-cry-for-help-man.

“No it’s a great job… BBC, yes…  vampire series, yes… well, no you don’t actually get to speak… what do you do?  OK, you have simulated sex with an imaginary partner and then die.  Hello?  Are you still there?  Hello??”

Considering just how inept George was at chatting up women “You smell like a polo.  Do you have a hole?” he did OK.  Sam and Kirsty both fell for him despite the tobogganing and the clowns; although we kept out of their bedrooms except to see that little Molly watched George sleep.  No, that child wasn’t weird and creepy at all!

The wolf in George did imbue him with a certain… vigour.  His first time with Nina after she earnestly lectured him about treating his ‘problem’ was on the cusp of a full moon and left her – amazingly enough – speechless!   Despite this great start they did have some ups and downs – after Nina got scratched there was no nookie at all.  Once they settled into the big brass bed at Honolulu Heights it seemed as though they had found an even keel and Nina had found Ann Summers – a night in the scratchy suspenders just slightly ruined by Mitchell looking for a wireless.  As you do.  Their werewolves, however,  had no qualms about a bit of hairy hanky panky and we know where that ended up.

The wolf also lead George into Daisy’s arms – they engaged in some rather rampant alfresco frolics after the full moon.  I wonder if George ever realised that Ivan was there and that really he was just a notch in Daisy’s scrapbook.  In Barry George remembered Daisy with a lingering pleasure at her surprising strength, how she was tenacious… limber… and his dreamy reverie got him some very old-fashioned looks from Nina and Annie!

On the ghost front, Kathleen left baby Tim/Rufus with Annie while she went on a date with a dead fireman.  She was quite a while so presumably ghost to ghost relationships are possible?  Maybe we’ll find out, maybe 70s ghost who we meet next week might fall for Annie.

We’ve also seen vampire orgies hosted by the lovely Richard and Emma in their House Beautiful home, billiard table and in-house gimp both neatly covered in wipe clean plastic.

Adam wasn’t terribly impressed with the orgy – it was rather Abigail’s Party to be honest – but he may have been a touch scared.  Lack of experience, scary dressing gowns – who knows but sadly Adam was never going to get it on with anyone!  It’s bad enough being a greasy, spotty, rampant but terminally unfulfilled adolescent – you have to have some sympathy with a vampire who had to stay like that for thirty years!

Bit of fang anyone?

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Be very careful when watching unmarked DVDs…

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